Size doesn't matter

A big topic that I like to cover when giving interviews, speaking to men’s groups, or in my writing, is about the misconception that abuse is something to do with size or gender. In my first book  Why didn't you just leave them?: And other ignorant things people say about abusive relationships   I cover this off, and here is a short extract from that.

Anyone can be the victim of abuse. Big, small, thin, fat, black, white, man, woman, adult, child, and any sexual orientation. Abuse knows no single demographic, and narcissists can target anyone.

I’m a 6 foot 2, 130-kilogram man. I’m bald, bearded, I train and compete in Strongman competitions, and look like I’m from some TV show biker gang. Yet still I was abused. Mentally, emotionally, verbally, and physically. By someone much physically smaller than me. Abuse is not always about size. And that is a very important thing for people to know. Abuse is about control. 

People have this image in their head if they do hear of a man being abused, that he is small, timid, weak, and I thought this was a good place to show that it isn’t so, so I have added pictures of me to showcase that.

There are just under a million (reported) men being abused yearly in the UK, and I can bet my life on the fact that a lot of them, if not most, are bigger than their abuser. A lot of the men I have interviewed for my books are very big men, some ex-professional athletes, and others are bodybuilders. Size is not a disqualifying criterion.

If anything, being big can make it easier for your abuser. It allows your abuser to use your size against you mentally, through gaslighting, with statements like “no one will believe you because you are so much bigger than me” or “if a big guy likes you speaks out people will think you’re a joke”. I got these, and I know a lot of other men that did too. Or also allows a sense of protection to your abuser, knowing that the police and courts are much more likely to think you are the abuser and not the victim.

I have written three books on the subject, that I hope men (and those who want to support them) can read, find useful, and relate to. If you haven't read them, please do, and please share them with anything else you think needs them. https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B0D4VVJSSR