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In abusive and narcissistic relationships, the manipulative tactics used can be both subtle and devastating. These tools are designed to disorient, control, and undermine the victim’s sense of self-worth, stability, and autonomy. Understanding these behaviors is crucial in breaking free from the cycle of abuse and reclaiming your life. In this post, we'll explore the common techniques abusers and narcissists use, including love bombing, triangulation, isolation, gaslighting, pre-empting, blame shifting, criticism, fear, trauma bonding, withholding, using children, and financial control.
1. Love Bombing
Love bombing is one of the most insidious tactics narcissists use to lure their victims in. At the start of a relationship, they overwhelm their partner with excessive attention, compliments, gifts, and affection. This seemingly idealistic portrayal of love creates an emotional high, making the victim feel cherished and special. However, this love is not genuine. It is merely a tactic to gain control. Once the narcissist has the victim emotionally attached, they begin to withdraw affection, creating an unhealthy dependency. The victim is left chasing the highs of the initial "love," which makes them more susceptible to further manipulation.
2. Triangulation
Triangulation occurs when the narcissist involves a third person—whether an ex-partner, family member, or even a colleague—into the dynamic in order to create jealousy, competition, and insecurity. This tactic is designed to make the victim feel inferior and emotionally unbalanced. The narcissist will often compare the victim to the third person, emphasizing qualities that the victim supposedly lacks or is inferior in, to incite jealousy or self-doubt. The constant comparison leaves the victim feeling like they are in a constant race to win the narcissist’s favor, but the prize is always out of reach. They can also try to introduce an ex/family member or similar as a common enemy. Where a common enemy is used, triangulation serves to enhance your link to them, creating more sympathy, protective instincts, and ultimately will mean you may turn a blind eye to certain behaviours, by blaming them on the common enemy.
3. Isolation
One of the most dangerous tactics narcissists use is isolation. By creating rifts between the victim and their family, friends, and even coworkers, the abuser makes the victim feel alone and dependent. They may try to create distrust, belittle the victim's support system, or manipulate the victim into thinking others don't have their best interests at heart. This isolation is intentional, as it increases the narcissist's control over the victim. With limited outside influence, the victim's world becomes smaller, and they begin to rely entirely on the narcissist for emotional validation and support.
4. Gaslighting
Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation that makes the victim question their own perceptions, memories, or reality. Narcissists will deny facts, twist information, or outright lie about past events, causing the victim to doubt their own experiences. This makes the victim feel like they are "going crazy" or that they can't trust their own thoughts or feelings. Gaslighting erodes self-confidence and creates confusion, which can be exploited by the narcissist to further control the victim. The longer it continues, the harder it becomes for the victim to distinguish between what is real and what the narcissist is trying to impose as truth.
5. Pre-Empting
Pre-empting is a technique used by narcissists to gain the upper hand in an argument or discussion. They anticipate what the victim might say or feel and address it before the victim even has a chance to express themselves. Often, they use this tactic to discredit the victim or frame them as irrational or overreacting. For example, the narcissist might accuse the victim of being "too emotional" or "too sensitive" before the victim has even had a chance to voice their concerns. This tactic makes the victim feel invalidated and unheard, while the narcissist maintains control over the narrative.
6. Blame Shifting
Blame shifting is a core tactic in narcissistic abuse. Narcissists rarely take responsibility for their actions, instead shifting the blame onto the victim. If something goes wrong or an issue arises, the narcissist will find a way to make the victim feel at fault. This creates a toxic dynamic where the victim feels constantly apologetic, self-doubting, and responsible for problems they didn’t cause. Over time, the victim becomes emotionally drained and constantly tries to appease the narcissist, never getting any recognition for their own needs or feelings. This tactic keeps the focus off the narcissist's behavior and ensures that the victim remains trapped in guilt.
7. Criticism
Constant criticism is another tool narcissists use to undermine their victim’s self-esteem. From the way they dress to the decisions they make, the narcissist will find something to criticize. At first, these criticisms may be subtle, but over time, they become more frequent and intense. The narcissist’s goal is to erode the victim's confidence, making them feel inadequate and unworthy of love or respect. This is often accompanied by “constructive” criticism that is meant to "help" the victim but is actually aimed at diminishing their self-worth. The victim becomes so accustomed to being criticized that they begin to internalize these negative thoughts and feel like they are always in the wrong.
8. Fear
Fear is one of the most powerful tools narcissists use to maintain control over their victim. Narcissists instill fear by threatening emotional or physical harm, making the victim feel like they have no choice but to comply with the narcissist’s demands. This fear can take many forms, from threats of abandonment to threats of violence, and it forces the victim into submission. Over time, the victim becomes conditioned to constantly live in a state of fear, walking on eggshells and attempting to avoid triggering the narcissist’s anger or rage.
9. Trauma Bonding
Trauma bonding is a psychological phenomenon where the victim develops an unhealthy attachment to the narcissist due to the intermittent cycle of abuse followed by periods of affection or kindness. After an episode of emotional abuse, the narcissist may show a brief period of kindness or affection, which reinforces the victim's emotional attachment. This inconsistency creates confusion and dependency, making it difficult for the victim to leave. The emotional highs and lows create an addictive bond that the victim may find hard to break, even when they know the relationship is damaging. The narcissist's occasional kindness makes the victim believe that things could get better, which keeps them hooked in the cycle of abuse.
10. Withholding
Withholding is a method used by narcissists to punish their victims by depriving them of affection, communication, or even basic needs. This tactic is used as a form of control, forcing the victim to "earn" affection or attention. Withholding can be emotional, such as ignoring the victim or refusing to communicate, or it can be physical, such as withholding sex or physical affection. The goal is to create emotional starvation, making the victim desperate for the smallest gestures of approval or validation. Over time, the victim becomes more compliant, constantly seeking out the narcissist's approval in an attempt to break the silence or receive affection.
11. Using Children
Narcissists will often use children as pawns in their game of control. They may manipulate the children to create conflict, use them as emotional leverage, or even attempt to turn the children against the other parent. In cases of custody disputes, narcissists may engage in parental alienation, intentionally undermining the victim’s relationship with their children. The narcissist might use guilt or threats of taking away custody to maintain control, making the victim feel powerless and unable to protect their family. The emotional toll of using children in this way is profound, leaving the victim feeling isolated, conflicted, and unable to escape.
12. Financial Control
Financial control is one of the most effective methods narcissists use to ensure the victim remains dependent on them. By controlling the finances, narcissists limit the victim’s ability to make independent decisions, leaving them with little to no access to money or resources. They may restrict the victim’s spending, withhold access to bank accounts, or manipulate financial decisions to their advantage. This creates a situation where the victim feels financially trapped, unable to leave or make independent choices. The victim may be made to feel guilty for spending money or be told they’re incapable of managing finances, making it harder to escape the cycle of control.
Breaking Free from Narcissistic Abuse
Recognizing these tactics is the first step in breaking free from an abusive or narcissistic relationship. Understanding how these tools are used to manipulate and control is crucial in reclaiming your power and protecting yourself. Setting boundaries, seeking support, and working with a therapist are essential in healing from the emotional scars of narcissistic abuse.
If you're currently struggling with a narcissistic relationship or abuse, my books, including Why Didn’t You Just Leave Them?, Such Reckless Hate, and The Indifference of Good Men, explore these manipulative tactics in greater detail and offer tools for recovery. In these books, you'll find guidance, insight, and strategies to help you understand, heal, and reclaim your life from narcissistic abuse.
Remember, you are not alone. Many people have successfully broken free from toxic relationships and rebuilt their lives.
Books:
· Why didn't you just leave them?: And other ignorant things people say about abusive relationships https://amzn.eu/d/4ePMElw
· Such Reckless Hate: Real Stories from Male Survivors of Domestic Abuse https://amzn.eu/d/6B5Seaw
· The Indifference of Good Men: How to actually help someone in an abusive relationship https://amzn.eu/d/cXvLubM
· Nothing but the Truth: The False Allegation Crisis Crippling Men Today https://amzn.eu/d/gpBSsd8
· The Words we Never Heard https://amzn.eu/d/1fUhh9d
Upcoming Events: https://www.jaredwhitaker.com/events
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